Out There

Thank God spring is upon us.  If I was stuck like this (inside) for much longer I think I might . . . explode!  I need to hear the thud of my boots hit the trail of the forest floor.  I need to feel the wind on my face, souring past as I zoom down a hill on my bike.  I need to get dirty.  I need to hear birds chirping in silence of absent cars and breathe the clean air without their exhaust.  I need to see mountains in front of me, asking me to come and play.  I need to feel the danger of unseen predators and distance of civilization.  I need to feel small against the range and insignificant along the trail that never ends.

I have often wondered what it is about the "out there" that beckons me relentlessly.  For me, life is only half lived inside . . . no it is only quarter lived inside.  Home is for r&r but not for living.  People have cocooned themselves into their houses, neighborhoods, expensive lives and routine.  I'm not entirely sure that was how we were created to live.  I think people are bored so, they eat, sleep, watch tv, watch their kids do things.  WAKE UP PEOPLE!!  Get out and do something, engage your brain.  Feel something, exercise your senses.  Feel danger, feel anticipation, feel . . . adventure.

For me the "out there" is a call to live, to reality, to truth.  I know who I am because of "out there."  I know how far I have gone and wonder where I could go.  It's not about ceilings, its about peaks!  I see fear and wonder that life is too short and there is too much to experience to fear anything but the almighty.  

How can anyone think of doing one job for 30 years straight!?  If I'm 40 and working at a winery because it's something I've always wanted to do I am not going to feel pathetic but fulfilled.  I'm not ashamed that I'm working at Starbucks at 27.  I've always wanted to work at a coffee shop!  Now I may have the opportunity to run one!  I cannot wait to try something new, push myself and see where God takes me, and who I can help along the way!

F*@k status quo!

Waiting

Waiting is one of the hardest things to do. 

The feelings worsen when the end is unknown. 

Hope seems to fade ever-so slightly day after day, sometimes hour by hour until one minute you snap at your husband because he didn't take out the trash or fold the towels just right.  The realization that you've allowed hope to slip away and bitterness to camp in it's place is a truely sad moment.  Because at that moment you realize that your priorities are totally out of wack and now you worry about the towels and the trash instead of the kisses, instead of the hugs.  "What does that make me?"  I wonder.  I remind myself of someone very close to me, someone I wanted to be like but a edited version of.  But the editor never showed up.  I never showed up.  Have I become this person I never wanted to be simply because I was tested and failed?  Have I given up?

Like I said waiting is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

When I was young my parents and other mentors encouraged me with endless possibilities for my future and no ceiling limits.  I believed I could do anything and dreamed of changing the world.  I still hold that dream and that desire.  But I feel my hands tied behind my back, my eyes blindfolded, rocky terrain under my feet and no one telling me where to go or what to avoid.  I sense a dangerous trail in front of me and no way to proceed with caution or to proceed at all.  I guess I still have the possibilities of my childhood but are those long-ago cheerleaders standing on the side of the trail . . . laughing?  Because this sure feels like a joke, and one particularly at my expense.  Was I supposed to "grow up" and realize that dreams of changing the world are simply a way to entertain a child or get the most out of them while they are children?  I don't know.  Because I'm still waiting to find out how I can change the world.  I'm still waiting for the ceiling to be removed.  At this point all I see are the bricks of sacrifice and they aren't the good ones.  Apparently to succeed I have to sacrifice happiness, family, optimism, beauty, joy, hobbies; the list of sacrifices goes on and on and on and torments me with chains of expectations: money, square footage, luxury, touch screens, high definition, tailored . . . and if that's not what I want then I'm out of luck.  The ceiling stays shut and I'm not worth looking at.  I'm not capable of doing anything big or worthwhile.

Like I said I'm still waiting, and it is tearing me apart.

I know why the ceiling hurts.  I know why I'm afraid to take a step and it's not because the ground is rocky.  It's not because I know the trail is dangerous.  It's because those "cheerleaders" are being silent.  They aren't cheering anymore and their words are not encouraging.  They are either silent or "realistic".  They dream no longer.  I'm failing because they taught me to depend on their encouragements and I don't know how to breathe without them.  I'm failing because my heart is waiting for them to speak up and tell me that I look beautiful.  I'm waiting for them to tell me I am doing a good job.  I'm waiting for them to tell me I made the right decision.  I'm waiting.  That is why I'm failing.

I don't want to fail, anymore.

Loving Him

Francis Schaeffer in True Spirituality:

"Does this mean that any desire is coveting and therefore sinful?  The Bible makes plain that this is not so--all desire is not sin.  So then the question arises, when does proper desire become coveting?  I think we can put the answer down simply: desire becomes sin when it fails to include love of God or men.  Further, I think there are two practical tests as to when we are coveting against God or men; first, I am to love God enough to be contented; second, I am to love men enough not to envy."

So does that mean that whenever I am discontent or unsatisfied it means I am not loving or seeking the Lord the way I should?  It makes sense doesn't it?  If I am not seeking the Lord I am not getting fed enough or properly.  What happens when we don't eat?  . . . we get hungry.  "When I lack proper contentment, either I have forgotten that God is God, or I have ceased to be submissive to him" (Schaeffer, 8).  When we forget that we have the God of the universe at our side, loving us better than we can even comprehend, the God who knows us so well, of course we will start to feel neglected, sad, lonely, vulnerable, and scared.  When we forget that we actually do need to practice submission and obedience we are going to start feeling disciplined, and worn out.  When we forget or let our guard down, sin gets in and gains a base. 

The concept is so simple and makes so much sense but I know that when I am discontent or unsatisfied I do not run directly into the arms of my completer.  I tend to run around in circles, in zigzag chaos like an ADHD child on too much soda and dip n'licks or whatever (I used to love those).  My mind is so desperately trying to figure out what is wrong or what I'm not doing or what someone else is not doing wrong or blah blah blah that I forget or ignore the simplest solution.  Just get your mind and heart back to loving your Lord and everything else will be fine. Matthew 6:33

More on this later . . .

Today

I must die to myself today that my soul will allow Christ to live in me.

I must admit I am scared so Christ can be my encourager.

I must die to myself today that my soul will allow Christ to live in me.

I must admit I have failed so I can know Christ's victory.

I must die to myself today that my soul will allow Christ to live in me.

I must admit I cannot do it myself so I can feel Christ's grace.

I must die to myself today that my soul will allow Christ to live in me.

I must admit I am last so Christ can be first.

I must die to myself today that my soul will allow Christ to live in me.

Do I hate Christmas?

So I was driving the other day . . . a half mile away from the mall . . . on black Friday (so stupid was I) and I started to feel this contempt for everything.  No really everything.  I hated every car, every bag, every sign, every coupon, every building . . . everything, because I felt that they all represented our complete attachment to things and disconnection from the reality of the rest of the world.  I decided in that instant that I wasn't going to buy anything for anyone this Christmas.  Well, not really because if I didn't get anyone anything for Christmas everyone would hate me and complain behind my back and would think very ill of me and the whole decision would cost me so much more than setting aside my true feelings to "buy" into the "Christmas" spirit.  What does that say about people?  I don't understand it.  The current trend is to take "Christmas" out of the title and put "Season" in it's stead.  What makes it a season then?  Or a holiday for that matter if it isn't Christmas?  Why dive into the materialistic whirlpool if it isn't for "Christmas" then what is the point of waiting in endless lines, pushing, shoving, yanking, punching your way through to get the good deal on something you will forget about by February if it isn't to celebrate something specific?  The madness doesn't make sense to me.  If you aren't a Christian then don't participate in the holiday but people don't do that do they.  The whole reason this "Season" even exists is because of the buying and gifting.  There really isn't any spirit anymore.  All there really is is economics and business and making money.  If there was more to the time of year, I think there would be less buying and more carolers,  more volunteers, more fed and clothed people, more soldiers feeling closer to home with care packages and thoughtful letters.  If the spirit of the seasons really mattered then Easter would be more celebrated then Christmas oh, excuse me, the "Holiday Season".

When I think of the birth of Christ I think of his coming death and what it means to me and trillions of people in the story of history.  For me, Christmas is about Easter and giving a gift is a response to receiving the blessing I need most.  But I'm not interested in giving a gift with paper, bows and a box with an ipod in it, I am interested in giving what people need most and that is satisfaction that completes their soul.  Materialism is a result of the incomplete soul and no one is hungering for it more than the Black-friday-old lady hair yanking-little kid shoving-middle aged man punching-shopper.